MAV’s Growth & Gratitude Journal Response:
Some days I feel worn out. Just straight tired. There are mornings I wake up and do not want to get out of bed. Days when I’m up and hard charging, but just hit a wall or run into a moment of the day that reminds me of some awful, deep gutted sadness and all I want to do is crawl back into bed.
A friend of mine committed suicide in December and I was knocked off my center. He was a giver. I felt like with him in my life I had a handle on my professional future. He seemed to nurture the creativity in me and we spent hours talking about the future. Because of all of the forward planning we did together, for work, it never crossed my mind that he felt there was not enough to live for. Even writing that single sentence doesn’t feel right at all. I just feel like it isn’t true.
Anyway, I was knocked into the land of weary for awhile. Then yesterday I walked into my office and there was a giant picture of him sitting on my desk. I know where it came from, I know where I put it, but I don’t know why it was out on my desk. I don’t know if my kids were messing around in my things or if my husband found it. But just seeing it knocked me down a few rungs.
I can’t make sense of things of this nature. I can’t make sense of why God put him in my life and then took him away. But I can only rest well when I share my sadness and grief with God. I can’t carry some of the big sadness alone. It is too heavy for me. When I lean into God for strength, and I ask him for help, he always delivers. When I can’t sleep at night because my mind is a swirl of worry or to-do, if I lean in, he lightens the load and I rest. When I encounter that worry or anxiety throughout the day, if I take pause and lean in, he delivers the peace I need to keep trucking through the day.
I would not be who I am today without my relationship with God. I don’t know why I was never brave enough to write about it before. Maybe because I didn’t ask him to help. Maybe because I was afraid of people thinking I was trying to convert them. Maybe because of the non-believers in the world who don’t get it, honestly, I don’t know what’s kept me quiet. But I have never been more my full-self than I am now. I’ve always shared my life, I’ve always told stories. But I have rarely shared about my faith.
The fact is, all of the good things in my life are answered prayers. Even Robert, my friend who passed in December, was an answered prayer. Whenever I have leaned in, I’ve found comfort and guidance. Each time I am weary, I pray; I always find help, direction, guidance, support, strength, or rest. For that, I am grateful today and each day I wake up to hard-charge again.
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